Today Dana called during the middle part of the day. In fact, she called twice. Things have gotten complicated (go figure)! If you read yesterday’s texts between Dana and her mom, you get the picture. There is a cute 11-year-old girl, Amina’s daughter Djada, in the mix and Dana and I have been talking about bringing her to live with us. It does not appear as if she has many good options for schooling or life if she stays in Pouss. Now, don’t everybody get mad at me. I get that this is a very US-centric view and there are lots of moral, cultural and legal issues to explore and deal with. I’m putting this out there because I want input from all of you. Please be honest, but constructive!
So it seems that Amina and Djada’s biological father were never married. Apparently, neither he nor his family has acknowledged her presence in any significant way. Djada’s maternal grandmother, Dada and her sons have provided for Amina and Djada.
Dada and her family feel they have guardianship of Djada and have already contacted local magistrates for documentation. Dana brought Djada to the doctor yesterday and she is well. It appears all of Pouss is in support of her coming home with Dana. Now the plot thickens…bio dad and his family were asked for permission and have said no. So, where does that leave us?
I called probate court here, and was told that unless there is some sort of official Cameroonian Termination of Parental Rights, bio dad would need to sign off on this. I have an appointment with an immigration lawyer next week but she even said that this would take time and that Dana would not be able to do all of this by next week.
So those of you familiar with Dana probably realize that about now she is thinking that fate is telling her not to do this. Add to that the fact that our family focus is on our children and Dana getting her principal certification and adding a third child would necessarily change our lives…for the better I’m sure, but nevertheless it would be a major change.
I have to say that I love the idea of doing something like this, terrified to be sure, but it feels at some level like a really good thing. Interestingly, and possibly selfishly, I’m not interested in becoming a DCF foster family. Bringing back the daughter of Dana’s African sister seems so much more authentic to who we (I) am. Then again, our plate is already pretty full. Please share your thoughts!
Noah, to be perfectly hard-hearted, there are lots of unwanted, neglected children in the world -- so-called "third world" perhaps to an inordinate number. True, the way to save them all is to start with one. But reality beckons, and says (in the immortal words of former Alabama Sen. Howard Heflin, in finishing off Robert Bork's supreme court nomination, "when in doubt, don't.") This is a huge challenge, potentially rewarding, but fraught with peril.
ReplyDelete-- I know of a situation involving a foster child that turned into an adoption that became a colossal train wreck (psychologists, lawyers, court appointments). Still going on. Not like a coat you don't like -- you can't send it back. Extreme caution is strongly recommended. Grandpa Doug.
I posted a little bit about my reservations earlier this morning on FB. My first thought was of the logistics of all of this and the financial obligations 1) that you already have, and 2) that you would incur to bring her here and raise her as your own. Living on love sounds like a great ideal, but it doesn’t pay the bills. Also, there is a reason these things don’t happen quickly – a lot of time for thought and careful consideration is required.
ReplyDeletePractically speaking, would she be adopted or somehow recognized as yours right away? If not, your health insurance likely would not cover her until she’s legally yours, so how would you cover any medical costs (routine and/or catastrophic). You have spoken with a lawyer, but how about you make an appointment with a financial planner to see if you have all your bases covered now (retirement, life insurance, college costs for the kids, student loans, mortgage, life insurance in case something happens to one of you, an estate plan, etc….) and if there is anything left over for another child once you’ve covered all of that. Are you prepared to buy a bigger house for 3 kids? Bigger cars?
My second thought was of all the emotional issues of adoption and uprooting her from the only family she’s ever known. Her family wants this, but how can they really know the emotional situation they’d be exposing her to? She can’t make an objective decision on her own at 11. Doug is right, there are too many foster/adoption horror stories, particularly when older children are placed in a home so different from what they’ve ever known. You don’t want to become a DCF foster parent – why? Think of how Dana felt when her own mother became a foster parent? Are the situations really that much different? I see a lot of similarities.
And of course, I thought of your own children and how much they need their parents right now. You are already dividing your attention in half for each of them (quarters if you count your jobs), now you would be dividing in into thirds (of fifths) – and that’s a best case scenario assuming they require equal attention. My kids have me out straight on a regular basis, and while I’m sure I could find enough love for another, I’m very grateful that I don’t have to spread myself that thin.
In particular I’m worried about Ellie. You said she wants this, but right now it sounds like a really cool international sleep-over. You said she had the hardest time saying goodbye for a two week trip. How is she going to feel when she’s missing her mother who is in the same house with her? The only bond Djada is going to have is with Dana at first – she’s never met any of you and won’t be able to communicate with most people. How is Ellie going to handle that? I foresee extreme jealousy.
When you said “our family focus is on our children and Dana getting her principal certification” and “When in doubt, circle the wagon around family” you were completely right!
And on a side note, I can't believe Grandpa Doug and I agree! :-P Here you have two opinions from totally opposite sides of the fence.
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